Commitment Issues
by MotherCrumpet
Summary: Lily Evans has major issues with commitment, and for good reason. She's been cheated on, used, and lied to by several boyfriends over the years. In fact, she's sworn off dating. So what will happen when James Potter refuses to take 'no' for an answer?


Matthew

"I just don't understand what the bloody hell is so difficult about it." I threw my books on my bed in frustration. "I like you. You obviously like me. So ask me the hell out already. Not difficult."

"He's a boy, Lily." Sallie said, as if that explained everything. It didn't.

"Boys are idiots." I muttered. "Maybe if my skirt was a little shorter?"

"Lily, you cannot be serious right now." Martha rolled her eyes. "You've never been one to bother with that shit."

"That's why boys are so intimidated by you." Sallie said knowingly. "You know who you are and aren't afraid to be that person."

How the hell she knew the workings of the inner minds of teenage boys when she had no brothers nor had ever had a boyfriend certainly was beyond my grasp. But I was ready to believe that she somehow just knew. I think all girls want to believe the crap their friends feed them about the opposite sex being intimidated. I know I was a sucker for it.

"Well he'd better hurry his little arse up, or I'm going to just sidle on up to James Potter just to piss him off." I dropped the hem of my skirt and stepped out of my heels. "Seriously though, I'm really getting tired of this. I'm going to just back off."

"Lily, Matthew Sanford is an idiot." Martha said. "He's a boy. He has to think it's his idea to ask you out. Just let everyone cool off a bit and leave him be. He'll ask you soon enough."

"Boys are so stupid." I sighed, throwing myself onto my bed on top of my books.

Sallie and Martha made sounds of agreement and we all started on our homework. It was yet another exciting day at Hogwarts.

"I cannot believe that idiot!" I threw my books on the bed. I heard a third year squeak in fright and sprint down the stairs, but I didn't really care.

"It's okay to cry, Lily." Sallie said. "You've been hurt."

"I'm not upset; I'm pissed!" I let out a sound of frustration. "I really would like to punch something right now! Preferably Matt's face!"

"He's not good enough for you, Lily." Martha said in an understanding voice. "I don't know him that well, but he's just not that… special."

"He's kind of selfish. And you're so giving." Sallie nodded right along with Martha.

"Plus he's just an arse." Martha said with a violent gesture that I'm not sure any of us understood the meaning of at the time.

"He was never an arse to me. I was always treated differently. Now? Oh, now he breaks up with me and then pretends like I don't exist. Like we weren't best friends and then dated for two months! Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot your name. I swear to Merlin, I'm going to introduce myself to him next time he deigns to speak to me." I paced around the room. "You know what? I'm done dating. I don't even like myself when I'm dating a boy. I hate being dependent on someone else for anything."

"Lily, you can't just give up." Sallie said. "You'll find a guy. He's out there, waiting for you. Probably dealing with his own shitty relationships that are going to make you seem that much better, that much more perfect."

"I'm not giving up Sallie. If it comes along, then fine. I'm open to it. But I'm going to be single and wait for it to come to me instead of searching for another mess of a relationship."

"I want to be friends." Martha said in a dead on imitation of Matt. "I want to be friends my arse. You generally talk to your friends when you literally run into them in the Great Hall. He could have at least been honest and told you he didn't actually give a shit."

"That's what I'm saying. I would appreciate a little honesty." I rolled my eyes. "Boys are so stupid. I mean really, can they be more idiotic? Do they really think we want it sugar coated? Hell no. Just tell me you don't give a damn about me and never really did rather than saying you weren't sure and didn't want it to be a huge 'what if' for the rest of your life. Asshole."

"Jerk." Sallie muttered.

"Douche." Martha agreed.

Matt wasn't really an asshole, but girl code required that we all rip on him from time to time. It's simply the way things are done. Kind of like the way we made excuses for Hayden… who actually was an asshole.

Hayden

"Did you see that?" Sallie squealed. "He winked at you!"

"That really just happened?" I blinked. "But he's a seventh year and I'm only a fifth year! And he's Quidditch Captain!"

"James Potter winks at you all the time." Martha pointed out. She was sulking because her current crush had just asked out another girl. "I don't see what the big deal is."

Sallie hit her. "Have you seen him? Just look at his body."

Then, like the boy-crazy fifteen year olds that we were, we all looked at him in a way we thought was sneaky. It wasn't. Not even close. He smirked, knowing he'd already caught me.

"Alright. I can kind of see what the big deal is." Martha grinned. "He's in perfect shape."

"Hey Evans." James Potter danced into my vision, blocking my view of Hayden Rogers. "You going to congratulate me? I did just win an amazing victory all for you."

"I've got other plans. Sorry Potter." I said, watching as Hayden walked in my direction. Hayden snaked his arm around my shoulders and we walked off.

"Oh, sorry Potter," Martha said. "She only dates Captains. Maybe in a few years."

"Lily. Oh. My. Merlin. Are you okay, sweetie?" Martha dropped onto the stair on one side of me.

"What happened?" Sallie asked sympathetically.

"Don't even pretend like you didn't hear the rumors." I sniffled. "Hayden, perfect Hayden!"

"Not so perfect from what I heard." Martha grumbled.

Sallie hit the back of her head, "Lily, tell us what really happened. You know how rumors are exaggerated. Did you actually talk to Hayden?"

"Yes." I wiped my snotty nose on my sleeve. I was one of those nasty snot flying everywhere kind of crying girls. Not the pretty ones that you see on Muggle TV. It was actually kind of disgusting.

"And?" Sallie prodded.

"He says Rebecca just kissed him. Just cornered him and there was no way out. He said that she forced him and he didn't want to kiss her. That he loves me."

"Maybe he's telling the truth." Martha said in a voice that clearly stated she'd side with me if I wanted to believe that, but she didn't believe it for a second. "Rebecca is kind of a skank."

"We broke up." I moaned. "We broke up and he walked straight up to Rebecca and just started making out with her! Like I was nothing. Like he hadn't told me ten seconds before that he loved me."

"He's just doing it because his heart is breaking." Sallie assured me. "He wanted to hurt you as much as you'd just hurt him. He's lost without you and doesn't know what to do."

"Should I forgive him?" I asked in a small voice. "See if he'll take me back? I know I love him and he loves me."

"Don't do it." Martha cautioned. "Once a cheater, always a cheater. He's not worth your time or effort. Stay strong, Lily."

"It's going to be all right, Lily. You'll see. You're going to find someone that's even better and you'll forget all about Hayden." Sallie said in a quiet voice. "Now, let's find you some tissues."

Unfortunately the boy that I found was Matt, and we all remember how that one turned out. Plus this was the same advice she had given me at the end of fourth year when Vaughn broke up with me, but wanted to continue our relationship without a label. And I had idiotically thought that a brilliant idea. Forgetting… probably not the best answer.

Vaughn

"I have something to tell you." I said suddenly at breakfast one morning.

"Finally." Martha said. "What has been bothering you for the last three weeks? You've been unbearable."

"Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically.

"Martha!" Sallie scolded. "Go ahead and tell us, Lily."

"You know how Vaughn and I broke up? Well, we didn't really actually break up." I made a face. "We're together, but not official."

"You mean you're sleeping with him!" Martha hissed.

"No! Well, it's not because he doesn't want to. I keep finding excuses and he keeps pressuring me. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is why do we need a label to be together anyway? That just puts an unnecessary pressure on the whole thing, right?"

"Lily Evans!" Sallie exclaimed; she was struggling between her obviously wounded sense of morality and her need to support me. "I don't think this is a good idea!"

"And why not?" I challenged.

"Because you're just going to get hurt." Martha said, coming to the rescue. "You're trying to hold onto something that doesn't exist any longer and it's going to come back and hurt you."

"I know." I buried my face in my hands. "He asked out Angela this morning."

"Oh Sweetie." Sallie wrapped her arms around me. "It's going to be all right, Lily. You'll see. You're going to find someone that's even better and you'll forget all about stupid Vaughn."

The combination of these three major relationships that had backfired and many other smaller relationships are the back-story for exactly why everything in my life is so complicated right now. I swore off boys after Matt. Though I had promised Sallie to remain open to ideas, which was really just to placate her. And now it was kind of messing with my life and making me crazy. Because of a boy. Again.

Have I mentioned that I hate boys?

"Hey." James Potter dropped into the seat beside me at the library. "Got any ideas for Prefect bonding time?"

"Negative." I rolled my eyes. "We never had to do this before. I don't have time for this. You certainly don't have time for this. If I didn't think McGonagall would kill me with one of those icy glares, I'd seriously just refuse to do it."

"A day of bonding among the leaders of the school will benefit the entire school." James parroted. He sounded eerily like Professor McGonagall and I remembered that he'd probably spent his fair share of time with the woman, usually being yelled at.

"Hogwarts is kind of creepy in the summer." I glanced around the usually packed library. We, as the Head students, had been asked to come plan a weeklong summer leadership conference for the Prefects. I, for one, was not a fan of the idea.

"You know, I actually kind of like it." James admitted. "We have the run of the whole place without any other people stealing the best chairs by the fire or practicing on the Pitch when we've booked it."

"See, I don't have those problems." I laughed. "I'm wretchedly un-athletic for one, and I prefer to have a table if I'm doing work, so I don't even like those chairs by the fire. I just think it's empty."

"The Prefects will be here tomorrow and then it won't be just us." James pointed out.

"Yeah, all twenty-four of them." I rolled my eyes. "This place isn't big enough. We're going to have to find another venue. There are just too many people."

James laughed, "Okay, seriously though, I know you have to have some idea what to do for this thing."

"I was thinking we split into three teams, one for each year, and make it a competition of teambuilding exercises." I said, pulling out some parchment. "They would have to complete a series of challenges every day with a final scavenger hunt at the end of the week. Winning team gets first dibs at rounds partners and days."

"I thought you said you didn't have any ideas."

"I lied. Usually people don't like it if I just tell them I have a plan already. So I let them think it was their idea. It works brilliantly."

"I just want to know what we're doing before the train full of Prefects gets here tonight." James smoothed the parchment out in front of him. "What if we had six teams of four people? Just to make it a little more competitive."

"I like it." I grinned. "And the last night we need to have a party or dance as a reward. That's not really my kind of thing."

"That can be my project." James pulled out a quill and started scribbling things on a sheet of parchment. "I've got some connections and know-how. Give me a minute while I go send this letter."

"No alcohol." I called after him as he left the room. I wasn't positive that he'd heard me, but wasn't extremely worried. For some strange reason I trusted James Potter now that he was in a position of authority, even when I had previously trusted him as far as I could throw him.

"Seriously, just go sleep in your own bed." I snapped at the fifth year that had knocked on my door in the middle of the night because she was too nervous to sleep in her own room by herself. "There's nobody here that's going to get you."

"Please?" She turned her big brown eyes on me and batted them. I sighed and opened the door for her. She was nestled in Sallie's bed before I even realized she had moved; she was snoring before I got the door closed and back in my bed. That's when I had the idea to house each team in a room together, and all in Gryffindor Tower. It was going to be an interesting week.

"Why are we packing all of our stuff?" A girl grumbled. "We just got here and unpacked it."

"I had to leave Aruba for this mess." A Slytherin sixth-year snarled. "This week is going to suck. I have half a mind to just leave and walk out right now."

"Hey." I shouted, trying to get the room's attention. "Hello?"

"Shut your mouths!" James snapped and the room went silent. I swear a fifth year girl swooned in the corner, much to the displeasure of her fellow Prefect. "Go ahead."

"You've been put in teams of four; three teams of boys and three teams of girls; one for each year. Each morning you will be given a series of challenges to complete throughout the day in order to earn points. If you finish fast enough, you will have the remainder of the day as free time. The team to have the most points by Friday at noon will get first choice of partners and time for patrols. Friday afternoon you will have to spend getting ready for the event, which we will discuss more throughout the week. Your first task is to move into Gryffindor Tower and find the remainder of your team. The lists of team members are posted on each door. Further instructions are located in your rooms. Go."

I grinned as the Prefects sprinted out of the room. "How do you feel about watching the Quidditch challenge?"

"You just read my mind." James laughed and we headed out of the Great Hall to watch the chaos that would be unfolding throughout the day.

"I cannot believe that you managed to pull that charm off." James breathed, watching as an invisible Quidditch player threw the Quaffle effortlessly through the hoop, scoring on a sixth-year Gryffindor.

"This is brilliant, Lily." Remus Lupin said. The team of seventh-year boys had finished their tasks and decided to join us in watching the final challenge.

"It wasn't that difficult." I shrugged. The final challenge of the day forced the team to find a creative way to stop the invisible Quidditch players from scoring ten points. Each time they failed, they had to go to the end of the line, lose ten points, and then try again. They waited inside the locker rooms so they were unable to learn from the team before them.

"If we played that well, there'd be no way we'd lose the Quidditch Cup this year." James whistled as the invisible player effortlessly maneuvered around a particularly tiny sixth-year Ravenclaw girl and tossed the Quaffle past Hufflepuff's Keeper. "Can you make people play like that?"

"Yes, but it'd get you disqualified." I laughed. "Want me to do it anyway?"

"No thanks. I'll take my chances." James shook his head. "Are you sure you can't play Quidditch?"

"I only just learned the rules when you were teaching me last night. I'm not one for heights, and don't throw or catch very well. So I'm going to go with being pretty certain that I can't secretly play Quidditch."

"Still, that's some pretty fine spell work." Matt said, his voice betraying a hint of jealousy at the spell. He was the Ravenclaw Prefect; I couldn't care less, but was still a little surprised that he was talking to me again.

"Thanks." I said, resisting the urge to introduce myself to him as I had stated a year ago I would do the next time that he spoke to me. It just wasn't worth the drama that I knew would come out of it.

"Why exactly aren't you in Ravenclaw?" Matt asked. "I've always wondered that. You're too smart to not be a Ravenclaw, Lily."

"Because she's more than just smart, unlike most Ravenclaws." James said, giving Matt a look that I couldn't quite read. The other boys snickered at Matt's expense.

I leaned over to whisper in James' ear. "Stop. We're trying to promote school unity, remember?"

"He was being an ass." James whispered back. "He deserved it, but I'll try to be nicer if it makes you feel better."

"Gee, thanks." I rolled my eyes. "I'm hungry and this last team is hopeless. Jessica slept with Brittany's boyfriend last year and Millie is now dating the guy. Poor Sierra barely even speaks. We'll be lucky if the sixth-year girls get it together by Friday."

"Is this normal behavior for girls?" Remus asked, staring at the girls as one tackled her teammate right out of the air.

"Teenage girls go crazy when boys are involved." I shrugged. "So, yeah. Unfortunately it is fairly normal. I once gave Sallie a black eye for telling me that Hayden Rogers was a bad guy and I shouldn't get mixed up with him. She stopped telling me I was making bad choices after that, but she was always right."

"Weird." Remus glanced back at the still quarreling girls and then followed me out of the pitch to dinner.

"Morning, Lily." Matt plopped down beside me at breakfast. "How's it going?"

"I'm not telling you about the challenges, if that's what this is about." I popped a piece of sausage in my mouth. It was really annoying me that Matt thought we could be best buddies again after a year of pretending that I didn't exist.

"I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened last year. I told you that I wanted to be friends, but I didn't really mean it at the time. Truth is, I was more hurt by the break-up than I really should have been since I was the one that instigated it. But I miss your friendship; it really did mean the world to me."

"Is that like an attempt to say let's be friends or something?" I asked, giving him an odd look. "You pretended not to know me, to the point where I considered reintroducing myself to you. Are you being serious right now?"

"Er, yes?"

"Well, you do have balls for even approaching me, but I'm not making any promises. You'd better prove to me that you're worth my time."

"I will." Matt shoveled a spoonful of eggs into his mouth. "So, did you really give Sallie a black eye?"

"That was in the fifth-year." I groaned. "I shouldn't have even told you about that."

"Told him about what?" James dropped into the seat beside me, shooting Matt another one of those unreadable looks.

"How she gave Sallie a black eye." Matt turned to me, "I'd better go strategize with my team. See you later, Lily."

"Bye." I said, ignoring the fact that his team was scattered throughout the Great Hall at the moment, making it difficult for him to strategize with them. He was obviously running away from James, but I couldn't quite grasp why.

"Are you guys friends again?"

"He apologized to me this morning." I shrugged. "I'll be polite if he talks to me, but I'm not making any promises. He's an ass."

"He wants you back." James warned.

"One, I don't date, and two I don't see how you could have possibly figured that out from the three seconds you were both sitting at this table."

"What do you mean, you don't date?" James asked, making a weird face. "What the hell does that even mean? Sirius doesn't date, but I highly doubt you do the same kind of not dating."

"You would focus on that rather than explaining to me your understanding that Matthew wants me back." I rolled my eyes, but James just looked at me waiting for me to answer his question. I knew he wasn't budging. "Fine. You know how I said yesterday that girls go crazy over boys. I meant all girls, even me. There's such a thing as being too independent. I can't stand who I become when I'm involved with a guy because I don't like being even partially dependent on someone else. I take care of myself."

"That sort of makes sense in a weird way." James blinked. "But what if you found someone that you didn't have to change for and didn't make you crazy?"

"You sound like Sallie." I laughed. "She's always telling me 'don't let your mind close against men just because of a few bad ones'. If I found someone who didn't make me crazy, I'd probably marry him. But that obviously hasn't happened yet, nor do I honestly think it will."

James was quiet for a minute. "Well, on that note, let's go watch the human chess game. Shall we?"

"No, the lake challenge first." I said. "I'm even wearing my swim suit. Then we can go watch human chess after a few of the groups have gone."

"I like that plan a lot better." James stood up.

"So, what's the plan for Friday night?" I asked as we walked out of the school.

"It's a surprise, Miss Evans." James laughed, "You can't expect me to tell you."

"But."

"You'll find out Friday night with everyone else. What makes you think you're special? Huh?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of a big deal around here, Mr. Potter." I announced pompously.

"My, my, my. What a big head you have."

"It's better than your tiny little one, which can hardly hold very many brains. It sure explains a lot about you. I almost feel bad."

"This conversation is completely backwards." James laughed. "You used to call me bigheaded and I used to infuriate you by saying you weren't smart."

"Did you really think that I wasn't smart?" I asked. "Because that used to piss me off royally. I pretended not to be as smart as I actually was so that people would like me better. Then people seemed to think I was dumber than I really am and underestimate me."

"I always thought you were smarter than Remus, if that's any consolation." James assured me. "And I copied his homework so…"

"You didn't!"

"I did. I could do the work, but I was just too lazy to actually do it." James looked slightly sheepish. "I started doing the work after you yelled at me during the OWLs in fifth year."

I felt heat in my face. "Sorry about that. I was really mostly just mad about being cheated on."

"He really was an idiot, if that makes any difference. And I probably deserved to be yelled at. I was acting like an arse."

"Yeah. You were. I'm not so positive that you aren't still an arse."

"Ouch. I guess I'll just have to prove it to you, then." James picked me up and threw me in the lake before I could even process what was happening. "Would a nice guy do that?"

I came up spluttering and coughed up some water that I had swallowed. "No, a nice guy would NOT do that!"

"Hmm. Good thing you seem to like arses." James said, before walking off and leaving me standing in the middle of the lake.

"Come back here!" I shouted after him. "You are such an asshole, James Potter!"

A second later I shrieked as the Giant Squid lifted me out of the water and tossed me in the air playfully. It threw me up over the water and let me fall, crashing back into the lake. I was half thrilled and half terrified as I felt myself being tossed back into the air again.

"Is that the challenge?" Two fourth-years high-fived each other, "Sweet!"

"You have to rescue her." James said with a perfectly straight face. "She's agreed to play damsel in distress."

"Why don't you save her?" One of the boys asked skeptically. "Isn't she your girlfriend?"

"I'm playing the dastardly, yet dashing villain." James replied. "I threw her into the lake in the first place."

"I don't think-" One of the boys started, but the others had already bought the story. Hook, line, and sinker. If they succeeded in 'rescuing' me I was giving them 100 points, and probably throwing up all over James Potter since I was starting to feel a tad motion sick.

"You owe me." I said, sneezing and then taking a long sip of my hot chocolate. "Those boys were not very good rescuers."

"They learned not to trust me though." James laughed. "Probably a good life lesson."

"Please, you're trustworthy when it's important. Or, I like to think so anyway."

"If it had turned out that you couldn't swim I would have saved you. Most likely anyway. Admit it though, you had fun."

"Strangely enough, I did actually enjoy being tossed fifty feet in the air by the Giant Squid that occupies the lake. I bet most people can't honestly say they've had the same experience."

"I haven't." James looked at me. "Are you warm enough?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Promise?"

"It's summer outside."

"You can still be cold. Promise."

"Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye."

"That's… what is that?"

"It's a Muggle saying, never mind. It's not literal, just a figure of speech."

"Rather morbid, that's what it is." James made a face. "I don't like it. A needle in my eye is just not really my favorite thing. Just saying."

"Really? You should try it sometime. You might just be surprised. It's really actually quite exhilarating."

"What's exhilarating?" Remus asked, dropping onto the couch beside me.

"Lily has been telling me about this odd Muggle tradition of sticking sharp needles into one's eye. She assures me it's almost as great a sport as Quidditch." James said. I wondered yet again how he managed to keep a straight face.

"Seriously? That's so odd." Remus looked confused. "I've never heard of that before."

"Oh yeah." I said. "It's a huge deal. My sister is the Needle Eye champion back home. She's basically worshiped as a demigod."

"You have got to be shitting me." Remus looked between us and we started cracking up. "You made the whole thing up, didn't you? Oh, it's great fun to taunt ol' Remus."

"It's actually our own challenge for the week. I just earned fifty points. Lily got about five for the tag-team effort." James grinned.

"You're such a smart ass, James." I smacked his arm. "That was definitely worth at least twenty-five."

"You two are really strange." Remus made a face. "And it's really weird to see you getting along."

"I finally pulled the stick out of my arse." I laughed. "And dialed down the frigid bitchiness a few degrees."

"And I paid a hefty amount of money for a head deflating." James shrugged. "We just kind of clicked this summer."

"Ugh. On that note, I'm going to bed before Matt comes over." I grinned. "I can only be expected to be nice to him so many times in one day."

"Naturally. Or you'll completely lose your Ice Queen reputation and we can't have that." James agreed. "Night."

"Goodnight." I turned and followed the siren call of my comfy bed.

"Wait. I have no idea what you're talking about. What is going on?" Remus said as I walked away. James relayed the day's events to him, and I grinned as I thought about the fun I had. It was strange to think that a day with James Potter and the Prefects, none of whom I was even friends with, could be so enjoyable.

"So hurry up and get dressed, because we're having a masque tonight!" Deafening cheers followed James' announcement. "You can only show off your wand work by using only your standard black robes. Prizes for the best dressed! Get to work!"

The Prefects darted out of the room, eager for the chance to compete one last time for this mysterious prize.

"You'd better get to work too, Miss Evans." James said, turning to me. "You have to be dressed and back here by dinner as well."

"I could make a better dress than most of them in five minutes." I said, rolling my eyes. "I take it you're the judge."

"And you. I'm admitting that my knowledge in women's fashion may be a little lacking."

"What's the prize?" I asked.

"It's a surprise." James grinned. "I'm not telling you that."

"You're the lamest partner ever." I complained. "Seriously. This whole keeping secrets thing is not cool."

"Don't pretend you don't like it being a surprise." James rolled his eyes. "But really, you have to go get ready. I still have some magic to work."

"You're going to need help." I said as I walked out the door.

"And you'll be the first I come find. I promise. Go get dressed." James waved and shut the door behind me, forcing me to actually go and figure out what I was going to wear. I had an idea what I wanted, but despite my earlier bragging, it really was going to take more than five minutes.

When James knocked on my door I was just peering in the mirror to make sure that everything was perfect on my dress. It was strapless, emerald green silk with black and gold embroidery and a built-in petticoat. My mask had black and green sequins with a feather on one side and was attached to an ornate handle on the other side.

James stepped into the room and stared at me for a full minute. "I said you had to make a dress." He said finally with a grin. "Five minutes, huh?"

"Okay, so I took an hour." I admitted. "But it turned out pretty damn well, don't you think?"

"That's definitely an understatement." James was wearing a set of black dress robes that vaguely reminded me of the American Civil War era with a red tie. "You look amazing."

"You cleaned up pretty well yourself." I grinned. "Are you going to share your secrets now?"

"Come on." James offered me his arm. "I'll do you one better and show you. How's that sound?"

"I'd like that." I said with a grin. "To be honest, it's been driving me crazy all week not knowing."

When we walked into the Great Hall, I wondered for a second if we had somehow been transported elsewhere, somewhere outside of the school. But no, the ceiling was still as enchanted as ever with a beautiful sunset of colors. A band was set up on the far end of the room where the teachers sat, and there were four tables set up for us to sit at and eat with tablecloths colored for the four houses. The rest of the room was completely open for use as a dance floor. The entire room was lit by floating candles, creating a very dramatic lighting that practically took my breath away.

"Wow." I blinked. "This is impressive. Wait a second, is that Witching Hour?"

"I told you I had connections to exploit." James laughed. "The lead singer is a distant relative of mine."

"You have got to be shitting me right now. You just showed me up for the entire week. This is incredible. I'd have ended up with homemade cheesecake and whatever was on the radio."

"The teachers will be here in a few minutes." James said. "I need your help getting the last few things set up."

We set up a table for the teachers and then danced to a sound check by the band. The song was almost over when Professor McGonagall walked into the room and let out an audible gasp.

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, this is amazing." She said, turning slowly in order to get the full effect of the room. "I am most impressed."

"It was all James." I said with a grin.

"Well, Mr. Potter." McGonagall nodded her approval and stepped over to inspect the tables and talk with the band.

"Oh I do love Witching Hour." Dumbledore said as he stepped into the room, followed by several other teachers. "I simply must get their autographs."

"Good going." I said elbowing James. "You're sucking up to Dumbledore, aren't you?"

"You caught me." James rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go wait in the Entrance Hall for everyone to get here."

When everybody had finally gotten there, we herded them into the Great Hall and hung behind for a minute. "It's done." I sighed with relief. "We don't have to worry about it any more."

"Thank goodness." James let out a breath. "This week went really smoothly though."

"Thanks for everything." I said, giving him a hug.

"Come on, we'd better go inside."

When we walked into the room, I was shocked to see that each table had been rearranged so that teams could sit together.

"I think McGonagall is crying." I nudged James and nodded in her direction. "She knows this probably won't happen when school starts, right?"

"I wouldn't tell her." James snorted. "Let her have her moment of happiness."

There were two open seats at the table where the Seventh year boys were sitting; between Remus and Matt. I was not looking forward to dinner and being forced to be pleasant, but I sat in the chair beside Matt anyway.

"Thank you all for a great week. We'll announce the winners of the challenges at the end of the night. Now, without further ado, let's eat." James clapped his hands and the food appeared on the tables. He sat down next to me. "Hope you like ham."

"Good choice." I said, already sticking a piece in my mouth. "This is good."

"This looks amazing, Lily. I'm impressed with all your work this week." Matt said with a grin. "Maybe you'll save me a dance later?"

"James did all of this. I didn't even know what was happening tonight until you did." I smiled, avoiding the subject of dancing together. I was proud, and after being ignored for a year I didn't fancy jumping right back into being chums. "Wait until you see the band."

"Who is it?" Remus wanted to know.

"You'll have to wait and see." James said, winking at me. "It's a surprise."

"Come on. Are you serious?" Remus groaned. "I'm your best friend. You can tell me. I won't tell anyone else."

I focused on my dinner as the boys debated the merits of the various band options. My distraction had proved successful and now I didn't have to talk to Matt. Mission accomplished.

After we had all finished eating, James announced the band to thunderous applause. Prefects grabbed each other and dashed onto the dance floor. Even McGonagall and Dumbledore were dancing. Matt, however, stayed stubbornly in the chair beside me.

"Want to dance?" He asked, offering me his hand.

"I'm really not very good." I said, but let him lead me away despite the fact that I had no desire to be with him. I was starting to think that James was right and he did want me back now that I was Head Girl. He wanted to ride along on my success and I wasn't okay with that. The whole time we were dancing, I kept looking for James to come and rescue me, but then I spotted him dancing with a pretty fifth year Gryffindor. I had a funny feeling in my stomach and kind of wanted to punch the girl in the face. "Oh. My. Goodness." I said, suddenly stopping dancing.

"What?" Matt stopped and looked at me with a confused expression. "Lily, what's wrong?"

"Uhm. I just don't feel very well all of a sudden." I lied. "I'm just going to step outside for a second."

"Do you need me-"

"No. I'm fine." I said walking away quickly. I stepped out of the room and then pulled the big doors open and slipped out of the school. Walking down to the lake, I sat under my favorite tree, not thinking about how difficult it was going to be standing back up.

I was more concerned with the fact that I was feeling jealous because James Potter was dancing with a girl two years younger than me. This went completely against my vows swearing off boys that I'd have to change for. There was no way I could date James Potter and not become a crazy person. It was already starting, and I hadn't even acknowledged that I liked him, even as a friend.

Me? Jealous? This was not okay. I did not like James Potter. I would not be jealous of a girl that I could probably look at the wrong way and snap in half. I refused. Lily Evans had perfect control over her emotions and I would feel nothing for him. Nope, I already felt absolutely nothing.

"Hey, are you alright?" James sat next to me on the ground.

"Yeah, I just had to get away from Matt. He's really annoying me." It was half true. He actually was annoying the shit out of me with his psycho fair-weather friend act. I wasn't buying it.

"I can take care of that." James bumped me with his shoulder. "Throw him in the lake."

"Nah." I shrugged. "He's not worth it."

"Come on." James stood up and held his hand out to me. "Dance with me."

"Out here? By the lake? Are you serious?" I looked at his hand skeptically.

"Lily, what is there to lose?" James asked, raising an eyebrow at me. "Do you trust me?"

I stuck my hand into his without thinking any more about it and he pulled me to my feet and into his arms. I stumbled slightly, and he caught me easily around the waist.

"Hey." He laughed lightly and my waist burned where his hand touched. I lay my hand on his shoulder and marveled at the way my heart was beating a thousand miles per hour faster than should be humanly possible. This was not a good sign.

"We'd better go pick the best dressed." I said, stepping away from him quickly.

"Yeah." James shook his head as if to clear it and started towards the school. I trailed slightly behind him until he held the door open for me and then I darted in front of him and pretended to be really engrossed in choosing the winners for the competition.

We spoke about the best dressed and that was about the extent of our conversation until the band was packed up and the place was deserted. Then I sat down in the middle of the room and lay back on the ground, just staring up at the ceiling.

"I have never been more relieved that something was over than I am right now." I said, heaving a giant sigh. "I'm so damn tired. We had to stay up way past my bedtime every night to get everything done."

"We can finally get a whole night of sleep." James laughed, lying down with his head next to my head and his feet stretched out in the opposite direction. "What are you going to do with your last week and a half of summer?"

"Sleep." I replied. "The whole time."

"Sounds like a plan. I think I might eat a few meals in there as well."

"Have a picnic at the lake and just float and think of nothing. I never want to think of another challenging spell again."

"NEWTs will be quite interesting for you then."

"Shut up. I'm pretending they don't exist. I actually may drop out of school just to avoid them. Seriously, that's a whole lot of work that I don't want to do."

"You'll be fine." I couldn't see him, but I was pretty sure he was rolling his eyes at me. "You're Head Girl for a reason."

"Yeah, I worked my ass off to get here and I'm kind of tired of working. Just saying."

"It will be worth it in the end, Lily."

"God, I hope so." I breathed a sigh. "As soon as I make myself stand up, I'm going to bed."

"Come on." James hopped up and offered me a hand. "One last dance before we go?"

"James, I'm about to fall asleep laying here in the middle of the Great Hall. Can I promise you a rain check?"

"Nope." James pulled me to my feet and into his arms for the second time that night and I felt my heartbeat speeding up in response to his comforting embrace. "Just a short one?"

"Okay." I said quietly, and instead of dancing with a hand around my waist and a hand in my hand, he slid both hands to my waist. I clasped my hands behind his neck and we swayed back and forth slowly. Before I realized it, his face was coming closer to mine and I was standing on tiptoe in order to reach his kiss faster. It wasn't until my lips started moving automatically in response to his that I even realized he was kissing me. It was about thirty seconds after his tongue brushed my lips and they parted to allow him entry that I realized kissing James Potter was a bad thing and I stepped back and broke the kiss faster than it had begun.

"I can't do this." I took a deep breath, trying to control my racing heart and cover my lack of breath from the intensity of the kiss.

"Lily, that was the best kiss I've ever had, but it was still just a kiss." James looked at me. "I haven't asked you for anything more than that."

"But you want it." I replied. "You either want more than just a kiss from me or you're an asshole like the rest of them and either way I can't give you what you want and will do better to just not get involved in the first place."

"You won't have to change for me. You said you trusted me earlier, Lily. Trust me on this now. Let me take care of you for once."

"Nobody can take as good of care of me as myself." I stated. "Not even my parents who haven't been around for quite some time. I trust you to be a great Head Boy. I trust you to dance with. Fuck, I even trust you enough to get thrown into the air by the Giant Squid, but I don't trust anyone to look out for Lily Evans other than Lily Evans."

"Lily, you have to give me a chance. I understand where you're coming from; you've had a lot of broken trust in the past. I get that. But you're human; you have to trust someone. I don't understand how you think you can go through life without trusting your friends."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand, but I do expect you to respect my decision." I walked to the door. "Thank you for a great week, James, but please don't try to kiss me again."

I didn't see him again until we got on the Hogwarts Express on September first, and I didn't talk to him again until the Prefect meeting a week later. The Prefects seemed to sense a change in our dynamic, but they didn't ask any questions about it. I was thankful for that; I was confused enough by these emotions that I couldn't shut down just because I didn't want to feel them anymore that the last thing I wanted was prying questions from my Prefects. It wasn't until October first when McGonagall paired us for our yearlong Transfiguration project that we talked outside of the duties of our positions and even then it was all business.

"I cannot believe your luck!" Sallie exclaimed. "I would sell my soul to the devil in order to be paired with James Potter for that project. Not only is he outstanding at Transfiguration, but I also wouldn't mind spending extensive amounts of time looking at him. I mean, working with him."

"Yeah." I replied absently. "We'll definitely get a good grade."

"Hello. Lily Evans. Are you listening to a word that I'm saying?"

Truthfully, no. I was too busy thinking about the way that James' knee had brushed mine while we were working and I could still tell you exactly where they had touched. I was losing it, going crazy over someone that I had no intention of dating. But I wasn't about to tell Sallie any of that, so I lied. "Of course I'm listening. I just choose not to entertain your fantasies about James Potter."

"I don't understand you." Sallie sighed. "Everyone else would have melted at his feet right now. You aren't still on that 'I don't like who I am when I date someone kick', are you?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes I am."

"You aren't going to change Lily. You're too stubborn." Sallie called down the hall after me. "Where are you going anyway? It's lunchtime and the Great Hall is this way."

"I have a meeting." I called back over my shoulder. "I'll see you later."

Sallie didn't bother to answer as I disappeared down the hall.

"A meeting, huh?" James Potter fell into step beside me.

"Holy shit. Make a little noise when you walk or something." I said, taking a deep breath to slow my heart rate. I hoped it was beating faster because of adrenaline and not the close proximity of James Potter. "And no, I don't actually have a meeting. I just didn't want to listen to Sallie prattle on about the subject she chose any longer."

"Well, since you aren't actually going to a meeting we should get lunch in the kitchens and look over the Prefect rounds schedule. That way you won't actually be lying to Sallie."

"What's wrong with the schedule?" I asked, making a face. I had spent hours making a schedule that had no conflicts for anybody. It had actually taken me the better part of a weekend to do.

"There's just one day that Remus can't do. It shouldn't mess up your schedule. We'll just have to find a replacement."

"But I was sure I hadn't…" I thought about the schedule for a second and realized the mistake I had made. "Oh."

"It was a day he forgot to put on the list-" James started, but then he realized I wasn't confused any longer. "Oh what?"

"Nothing." I replied. "I'll just do rounds for him that night. What day did you say again? The twenty-third?"

"I didn't say a day." James grabbed my arm and pulled me into an empty classroom, shutting the door and putting a charm on it so we couldn't be heard. "How long have you known? Who told you?"

"Nobody told me, James." I crossed my arms. "I figured it out in fourth year. It just suddenly… clicked. I checked my research to be sure. He's a werewolf, right?"

"Have you told anyone?" James ran a hand through his hair nervously, making it stand up every which way.

"No I didn't tell anyone. Do you think I'm an idiot? They'd freak out. I may be a Muggle born, but I know how difficult this is for Remus. Trust me, I understand what it's like to not be accepted in your own world, by your own family. I'd never tell anyone."

"I'm sorry, but I had to ask. Just to be sure." James sighed. He grabbed a chair and flipped it around backwards to sit on it. I hopped onto a desk and sat facing him. "You've known since fourth year?"

"Yes." I bit my lip. "And in an effort to be completely honest, I figured out what you three did to help him."

"What?" James said, feigning innocence.

"Don't even pretend you aren't an illegal Animagus." I rolled my eyes. "I've never seen you, but it's what I would do. And you mysteriously go missing every full moon, just like Remus. I wondered at first if you'd gone and gotten yourself bit, but then realized you weren't showing any of the other symptoms."

"You are way too smart for you own good."

"So I've been told." We sat there for a minute, neither sure what to say to the other. "I think it's great, what you've done for him. Just so you know."

"Really? Most people wouldn't think that. We could land in Azkaban if the wrong people found out."

"Seriously James, I'm not going to tell anyone." I looked at him. "Besides, who would believe me? People only believe what they want to believe."

"Thanks Lily."

"Plus I don't think you'd do so well in Azkaban. All that guilt built up from tormenting me and everyone else. You'd probably go insane."

"Certain moments would definitely replay in my head." James laughed. "Like when you yelled at me after OWLs."

"You admitted that you deserved that."

"I did. Come on; let's go get lunch. I'm hungry." James stood up and flipped the chair back into place.

I slid off the desk and stood beside him. "Sounds like a plan. And I'll fix the twenty-third for Remus this afternoon. I'll just take that night for him."

"You know, I underestimated you." James looked at me. "I never would have thought that anyone would figure it all out or be okay with it all, especially you."

"Yeah well, I tend to surprise people. You aren't the first one that's underestimated me. But what are you going to do about it?"

"There's nothing I can do if you expect me to respect your decision." James stopped slightly short of the door and looked at me with an eyebrow raised. "I plan to respect that."

"No you don't." I snorted. "You plan to wait until you think you have a better chance of changing my mind."

"I never said I planned to respect your decision permanently, but for the time being…"

I stepped between him and the door and realized that I was looking forward to when he decided to cease respecting my decision. I wanted James Potter, couldn't change the feelings that I felt for him. I could either embrace that or continue to ignore it and probably go crazy. I grabbed James' tie and pulled him down to where I could stand on tiptoe and kiss him. I pulled away before he could fully recover from the shock of what I was doing. "See you at lunch."

I was sitting in the library working on a Potions essay that night when James finally caught up to me. He had obviously come directly from Quidditch practice, covered in mud and with dried blood on his jacket. I raised an eyebrow at him, "Did you break your nose?"

"Don't try and distract me." James hissed, towering over me from where he stood beside the table. "You can't go and change the rules on me like that. You're playing with me and I don't like it."

"Things change, James." I said as I stood and reached up to touch his nose gingerly. "Seriously though, let me fix that for you. That must hurt."

"You're infuriating!"

"Miss Evans and Mr. Potter! Must I ask you to leave?" The librarian shouted in our direction.

James ran a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. "I can't stop thinking about that kiss. Lily, I can't play this game with you. You told me that girls go crazy trying to figure out boys. I don't go crazy over girls; I don't give a damn whether they like me or not."

I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at him. "You don't give a damn about if I like you? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"No." James ran his hand through his hair again. I was starting to realize that the habit I had despised for so long was just out of nerves. "I'm trying to say that you're the only person I've ever cared if you liked me or not. I'm going crazy worrying about what you're thinking and after you kissed me today it about doubled. I was thinking so much about it at Quidditch today that I missed a pass and the Quaffle broke my nose."

"I'm telling you, I can fix your nose."

"Lily, would you forget about my nose for one goddamn moment?" James roared, causing the librarian to start walking angrily in our direction. He threw my things into my bag unceremoniously and hooked it over his shoulder. Throwing his arm around my shoulder, he steered me towards the door and out of the library. He pulled me into the first empty classroom and slammed the door shut. "I'm in love with you Lily."

I froze. This was certainly not what I was expecting. In fact, it didn't even make the list of things I thought might happen right now.

"Shit. I didn't mean to say that." James turned away from me and kicked a desk, sending it clattering to the ground. "I screw everything up when it comes to you."

"So you don't love me?" I asked, my voice shaking. I couldn't sort out the tangle of emotions that I was feeling at the moment, so I pushed them down and away to deal with later.

"No. I." James turned back toward me slowly. "Are you crying?"

I touched my face and my shaking fingers came away wet. Apparently I was crying.

James had his arms around me before I could even process the fact that I was crying. I never cried. Ever. "Lily, I didn't mean it like that. I'm in love with you, but I wasn't planning to tell you because I didn't want to scare you."

I wiggled out of his embrace, even though I wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms forever. I needed time to sort out what I wanted, what was going through my head. I couldn't understand myself, me who always had such control over my emotions and life in general.

"Lily?" James asked, laying a hand on my shoulder tentatively. "Lily, you have to talk to me."

I swallowed. I had no idea what to say. I didn't know what I wanted. "I-I don't know what to say."

"Just tell me what you're thinking." James took my hand and pulled me over to a desk. He sat in the chair and patted the desk beside him. I surprised us both by sitting in his lap instead. His arms went around my waist automatically, like they had done it a million times.

"I'm used to being able to shut down my feelings. If I don't want to feel an emotion, then I don't feel it." I said slowly. "I can't do that with you and I don't like it. It's the intensity of that feeling that scares me so much. I mean… I barely even know you."

James didn't say anything, just waited for me to continue.

"I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm fairly positive that I'm falling in love with you too and what scares me so much is that I can't control it."

"Lily, you think I'm not scared too?" James looked at me, his eyes burning into my own. "I'm terrified. I might not be as big of a control freak about my life as you are, and I mean that in the best way possible, but I've never given a damn about anyone other than myself and my friends before. How am I supposed to accept that I care more deeply about what you, a girl that hated and ignored me for years, thinks than what my best friend of the past seven years thinks of me?"

I shifted slightly on his lap so that I could get a better look at him. I realized for the first time exactly how close he was to me right now, and exactly how beautiful he was, even with his broken nose. I cradled his cheek in my hand and leaned closer, my lips lightly brushing his. The kiss was tentative at first, but it wasn't long before my hand tangled in his hair and had maneuvered myself so that I was straddling him.

"Fuck." James swore, pushing me back slightly, his other hand going to his nose.

"I told you to let me fix that." I whispered, my voice ragged through my heavy breathing. I pulled out my wand and lightly touched it to his broken nose, which was instantly straight again. I kissed the tip of it lightly. "Better?"

"I'd say so." James laughed, pulling me closer. "Does this mean that you're going to break your plan of not dating anyone?"

"I don't know." I rested my forehead against his, which left his lips tantalizingly close to my own. "Maybe."

"Don't make me beg." He breathed. "Please."

"Oh, I'd like to see that." I kissed him once. "Would it involve you getting down on your knees?" I kissed him again. "Would you grovel at my feet?"

"If it meant that I could kiss you like that whenever I wanted, yes." James stood up abruptly, but caught me against him instead of letting me stumble. He backed me up against the wall and put one hand on either side of me. "I can kiss you like that whenever I want, right?"

"Yes." I breathed, feeling exhilarated rather than scared that he had me trapped right where he wanted me.

"Good." He kissed me once and then dropped his arms. "I'd better get a shower."

"Are you serious?" I asked him, "Are you really going to walk away right now?"

"Yes." James raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. "Unless you want to come with me?"

"Hmm." I let my finger trail down his chest slowly. "As lovely as that offer is, I have work that I need to do, but you'd better come find me in the Common Room after that shower."

"Yes ma'am." James kissed me lingeringly and grabbed my bag from where he had dropped it on the floor. Then he took my hand and led me out of the classroom as if we'd been together for years.

"What the hell do you look so damn happy about?" Martha snapped as I let out a contented sigh.

"Potions?" I asked, grinning at her. "Do you need help?"

"Is that a question?" Martha asked me. "I always need help with potions."

"Lily, I just heard the weirdest rumor." Sallie dropped into the seat beside Martha and across from me. "Someone thought they saw you holding hands with James Potter."

"Really?" I asked, spotting James as he stepped into the Common Room, his hair still wet from the shower.

"Yeah." Sallie shook her head. "I set them straight. Explained to them that you don't date and they must be mistaken. That they'd lost their marbles thinking you were dating James Potter of all people, though any girl would be happy to date him."

"Excuse me." I stood up and practically skipped across the Common Room to where James had stopped briefly to talk to his friends.

"Hey." James put an arm around me and bent down, placing a light kiss on my lips. And that was all it took for Gryffindor to go completely silent for the first time in my seven years.

It was also all that it took for me to realize that I had made the right decision in taking the risk of letting James Potter into my life, because at that moment I was perfectly happy for the first time in my life.


End file.
